A good rule of thumb I have is to only consider those within the scope of:

• people I would interact with otherwise
• people who make a consistent effort to reach out and communicate
• people who are fine meeting me one on one and not bringing someone else into it

as potential intimate partners.

I’ve been “third-wheeled” and “friend-zoned” unbelievably often, but find that the situation can often just be flipped to be “actual bestie”.
Some even trust me more than their partners, and I stick around for the drama and give solid advice, but never approach them.
One person told me that “if I wasn’t dating my current partner, I’d be with you”.
If he/she would’ve been with me, he/she would’ve chosen to be with me from the get go.
That sort of immediate attraction is necessary when you live a lifestyle focused on achieving something big.

I’ve honestly gone through my own “glow-up”, and I can tell if someone wants to inherently be with me, or just wants to be with me for some peripheral reason.

Often - the kind of attraction you’d feel towards people you may deem your “type” is more of a fetish response than anything.

Actual “attraction” is actually similar to what you might feel towards a really good friend.
“We seem to understand each other.” “We seem to be able to communicate well.” “We seem to be able to work with each other.”

I’ve had startup founders tell me that “it feels as if I just got dumped by my crush” when I tell them I’m not going to work with them.
It’s kind of similar, because in the end, a relationship is kind of like a startup sometimes.
It goes both ways. You gotta figure out the quirks in the team to figure out how to build something together.
Startups build products. Relationships build a shared, mutual system of cohabitation and intimacy.

This is partially why I identify as “queer”.
I find that the mutual understanding that “relationships aren’t just for fun, there is a necessary level of commitment” is most important.
I’m sick and tired of having to embody some sort of “masculine stereotype” or even a “feminine stereotype” to take part in a relationship.
Necessary roles in such a mutual endeavor shift based on the capabilities and limitations of the individuals involved.

My ideas are largely based on my readings of Fromm, Foucault, and weirdly - Feldenkrais. Also maybe Lacan, Wittgenstein, to some extent.
I do struggle with loneliness due to my resolve to ensure that I’m enforcing my essential boundaries.
I’ve made concessions before that ended disastrously for both individuals involved. I still regret some of those decisions to allow certain exceptions.
I believe that the main issue there was that I often made those concessions out of desperation and fear of loneliness.

I made the mistake of prioritizing my partner over everything in those scenarios.
Friendship, community, and strong bonds outside of the relationship only help the relationship.
The fear of loneliness is something that is barely relevant to the relationship itself.
In fact - such fears or insecurities often lead to unfaithful conduct in the first place.

We often long for intimacy or seek relationships when we feel disconnected.
I find this to likely be due to some sort of yearning for family - which comes with intimacy.
However, the core tenet of a bond as strong as family lies not in anything heriditary or intimate.
It lies in the commitment to an immutable bond, an unconditional love.

That sort of connection can be found outside of romantic relationships.
In fact, the current situation surrounding romance and courtships makes such connections largely unavailable in romantic relationships.
The rare cases of it happening are largely exaggerated, and media exposure to romantic/sexual content exacerbates the illusion of availability.
We live in a society plagued by parasocial relationships and transactional romance.

The situation gets worse as it is particularly difficult to reach any level of stability in the modern age.
Inflation plagues every market, with many also in stagnation, leading to unrealistic work schedules and little pay.
Local communities have been destroyed and replaced by alternatives that have a high financial barrier to entry, especially in urban areas.
Familial connections have only gotten weaker in many areas due to the nuclearization of families, and the rise of individualism.
Many of us lack the very necessities to even consider pursuing a relationship.

The situation is dire, and we must search for alternatives to simply subduing ourselves to this grim narrative.
We must reconstruct and reclaim local communities, along with the culture and economies that keep us together.
We must resist the overly sexualized/romanticized narrative surrounding relationships and focus on building strong bonds despite anything.
We must learn that there is an alternative to completely rejecting communal values, which traditionally are often conservative and obsolete.
There is an alternative, aside from simply inheriting the old values - that involves some level of individualism while maintaining a shared ideal.
We must discuss this with each other and slowly build back what society, community, and intimacy we have lost.