i really wonder what people expect when they tell incels to “stop being incels” and “reintegrate into society”

i’m… not sure if i’m technically an incel (i’ve had sex before, i’ve dated before), but i still understand what it’s like to be ostracized by society for appearances/social standing/ethnicity etc.

in fact, i was only able to date whoever i dated by being extremely manipulative, and also leveraging the job and money i had back then. i lost both my job and my girlfriend around the same time, tried a few times to get back up in my career, but have ultimately decided that it’s not very possible if i keep ending up hospitalized for it. i’ve been through the tech bro pipeline, finance bro pipeline, alt-right pipeline, and i’ve ended up somewhere between the cesspool of gooners, and… dostoevsky.

i’m concerned for two phenomenon i’m seeing in society. first, the usual rhetoric of “toxic women”, which seems more to be one way of describing the rift there is between being a human with humanities, and a human with animalistic tendencies. the second is the unrest being caused by social structures - the inevitable marxist structure - being funneled towards what is highly reminiscient of nazi ideology. then, i’d like to talk about how i’m trying to fight against it - and how i’m probably failing.

a. animal or human?

i’m from japan - but have spent time in the us - and one thing i can say about both societies is that both, are indeed built on sex.

japan is, as you may know, extremely monoethnic. in fact, the entire idea of the “emperor” is basically what adam is in the book of genesis. the japanese consider themselves to be a collective group of descendants that can be traced back to the imperial family, which happens to also be considered the offspring of the primal gods that “created our archipelago”

for this reason, there is a massive emphasis on “bloodline”. our citizenship is largely dictated by “biological family”, even bureaucratically. citizenship records and other public procedures revolve around the ‘koseki’ system, a patriarchical family ledger. once born under a japanese family, you cannot revoke the biological connection there even in the bureaucratic processes.

this is also deeply embedded in social customs. women especially are coerced into marriage as the failure to continue the bloodline is considered “ending a legacy”, and is looked upon with shame. even the most liberal of people eventually end up marrying someone as it’s considered that “there is something tying us altogether” (often described as “kizuna” or “en”), and that nobody should be left out of it.

so what if you are? what if you are indeed, left out of it?

you’re considered dangerous, unreliable, and also “wakeari” - which roughly translates to “with special circumstances”. a term, “muteki-no-hito”, roughly translating to “invincible person”, is going around as a stereotype of mentally instable, single men without money, family, or friends. socially isolated and often extreme.

i believe the same is true for the united states, and other western societies. the word “incel” has been popularized as something tied to school shootings, extremism, alt-right narratives, etc.

it… really is hard being alone, and destabilizing. i have constructed a few protocols involving tea, alcohol, tobacco, music, culinary practice, masturbation, exercise to name a few, just to keep myself from going suicidal, or worse, homicidal.

i try to spend time outside, but can’t stand the weird gaze people send me when i’m alone at a dj bar. i’m just listening to the dj do hiphop mixes, while staying away from the overly… consolidated “hip-hop” crowd with their baggy clothes and everything because they’re intimidating and exclusive. people come with friends and their special partners, and i’m just there… alone.

i’ve felt the same when on business trips elsewhere. i usually have to escape to some stupid rural area, far from the city, to enjoy some alone time without having to notice people sending weird glances at me. well, i mean… the gazes just come from older people who gaze at everything anyways

every attempt i made at somehow reaching compromise with society, finding a girlfriend, and attempting to “not” be lonely was met with condescending remarks along the lines of “girls will only date ugly guys like you if you’re rich”, “you’re too ugly to date anyone”, “lose weight”, “skill issue”, “buy my manual”, etc.

it took a bit of time to realize that it wasn’t just the girls who rejected me, or made remarks about me that were hurting me, but also all of the men. all of them. every single person who coerced me into joining their shitty startup because “more money should solve my issues”. every single “friend” who told me that i was being delusional, and that i should be more “positive” about things without considering the universality of my argument that it’s impossible to be with anyone in the modern day.

b. ostracized, but… with somewhere to go

it’s well known that sites like 4chan and 8kun are considered “extremist pipelines” where lonely users find solace in becoming more extreme in how they think. they often blame the moderation of these sites, but the extremism doesn’t appear because of the lack of moderation, but rather - the overt moderation and suppression experienced elsewhere.

when i’m frustrated, lonely, and sad… i am indeed drawn to porn, or rather, attempt to sexualize the next thing i can. i also want to talk about how to reject society or point out what exactly bothers me about it. i want a place where i can try and be vulnerable without a crowd of people gathering around me and give me chinese fortune cookies that say “don’t worry, it’ll get better, and you’ll find someone”. i want a place where i can tear off every rotting band-aid on the actual things i saw - and tell every person who i know that i would rather see them dead in a gutter than deal with their bullshit again.

the themes often seen in the “extreme” memes are characteristic of what we feel we lack. people go eugenic and racist because they seek some sort of argument against the degradation they faced for simply being themselves. people go fascist because they seek some sort of control over the situations where they felt completely powerless. people go homicidal because they seek the very violence pitted against them, ostracizing and often silently dehumanizing them as the “quiet kid”.

we attempt to find a singular tag, an identifier for whomever oppressed us - and we look for narratives. past narratives, often, as anything novel comes with no historical grounding. as rhetoric, dialectic, argumentative proof, and other more academic forms of authenticity to ideas is unavailable in general, that logic being confined to only academic settings, “historical grounding” is the only thing giving any sort of authority to anything. hence the nazi memes.

at least this is how i saw it, and how i see it today. however, i understand history way too well. i understand how private industry and corporations invested in, benefited from, and then “liquidated” oppressive regimes to their benefit. car companies. computer companies. it devolves into conspiracy theory because the damning proof has been erased from this world, but what remains allows me to tell myself a story, that fascism, eugenics and racism, as well as violence is probably never going to make me feel better.

if i start flying a flag that was raised by men in resistance to a crisis… that the same men engineered into existence, then doesn’t that mean completely subjugation? the means of resisting the violence put upon us (often put into the lenses of class struggle and associated to leninism - which i can also not identify with), falling into the hands of the oppressors themselves through authoritarian rule and mass genocide. i can’t think of anything more “beta”.

nazi germany blamed the jews for the damage that was done to germany in world war i, which was largely attributable to the backlash to germany abusing the diplomatic structures made by bismarck, and industralists attempting to consolidate the european market as their next monopoly, and subsequently increased the death grip of american companies on europe. it was pretty stupid imho.

if we start blaming… uh, is it mexicans this time? for the downfall of american society, when it is actually an over-extension of the military industrial complex and financial industries that eats away at america itself, then rally under a heavily capitalist and racist leader who… intends to further the already over-extended american position, we either get complete chaos or dystopia.

if japan starts blaming immigrants and the chinese for the downfall of japanese society, when again, the immediate financial instability can be attributed to a lack of direction by the fiscal authorities and businesses in japan, not realizing that its own over-extension that prompted the plaza accords is a direct cause for the turmoil today, and… hands over power to the same individuals, crushing any opposition to it… i don’t… know… nuke us again, or whatever… our entire nation refuses to remove the fascist symbols and beliefs anyway (look up state shintoism!)

so yeah… we’re kind of fucked if the incels and the ostracized go full 4chan mode. at least the ones who understand that the ostracized are not saved by siding with the oppressors to become oppressors ourselves.

c. so then where do i go

i wanted some sort of alternative. i didn’t want to try to reconcile with a society that values ‘not being a loner’ as some sort of basic social status. i didn’t want to go full neo-nazi either.

i’ve decided that maybe - like many before me - i can leave art behind. an artistic, musical, literary world. a completely new fiction devoid of what disgusts me about society, and instead appreciates what humanity we have left.

it’s hard, though.

i keep getting lonely, jumping between “should I kill myself?” and “should I kill everyone?” in frustration of a body, and a mind that only loses more sanity as it goes. being freed from “social norms” is indeed allowing me to finally try and create things, but at the same time, i’m getting more unhinged, getting more concrete in… some sort of… “sanctity” of being alone.

in reality, there’s someone i like. i’m cisgender male, heterosexual, maybe likes femboys too much, kind of wants to be a femboy, but there’s this girl i like. the last girlfriend - the one i manipulated into a relationship by acting as her therapist, taking her out to lavish meals, creating the illusion that i was the “perfect boyfrined” - taught me that well… it’s impossible for me to be with someone as i am. i think i can get more benzos and ritalin to maybe keep up the illusion for a few months, but it always falls off pretty fucking quickly.

i don’t… want to be alone. i want to imagine a world where it’s okay to be alone, where people can express themselves and be heard, and where people will sit through the shitty demo tape some kid put together to express his/her feelings. i want to do it with someone, together.

i know… it’s almost impossible. in the end, that completely invalidates my original intention to not conform. to say no to the very idea of anyone having to be forced to think that something is “right”, and something is “wrong”. in an aesthetic, logical, academic, every, single, sense.

in conclusion:

i’m probably just a fucking retard, with no money, no bitches, no muscle and no power. i’m morbidly obese in real life as well. i look at myself in the mirror, try to dress properly, even do my hair, and realize i should have hit the gym before worrying about anything. but then i remember the big buff guy that’ll come up to me and ask me how longer i’m going to be using the machine. repeatedly. like every 30 seconds.

i’m not welcome anywhere, not there, not here, not anywhere. i’ve got nowhere left to go, because the places i’d rather go are not going to accept me, and the places i can go - are only going to regurgitate the very violence i’ve experienced in my life.

there’s a bottle of… well, things that can make me… go. i’ll probably try to find a few more tracks on beatport to buy, some more things to buy while racking up credit card debt, but i think the only place left for me to go… is out.